Inspired by a column by Sultan Knish about how Global Warming is blamed by our liberal intellectual elite for the rise of ISIS, or the Islamic State, “Covering Up Islamic Terrorism for Fun and Profit,” I decided to expand on his satirical remarks.
Of course, Global Warming has caused ISIS to rise like cookie dough on steroids! I say that not meaning to impugn the character of ISIS, it has every right to rise if it wants to. But, it's a simple explanation not beyond the ken of your average liberal or Code Pinky or transsexual or Democrat. The rise of ISIS is directly analogous to the rise of ocean levels from melting polar icecaps from Global Warming. If a blackboard was handy, I could show you the parallels with some deft strokes of my chalk.
Much of the Mideast is subjected to intense heat and aridity and just downright miserable environmental and living conditions, worse conditions than in historic memory. So naturally all those ISIS fighters, in order to acclimatize themselves to the unbearable, exhausting conditions, swathe their heads in masks of various kinds, swear off barbers, grow itchy, unkempt, long beards, live and fight in sweltering conditions, wear uncomfortable garb, sweat like pigs -- excuse me, like very thirsty camels -- enjoy the heat of battle, just love their weapons growing hotter in their hands as they fire thousands of rounds at fleeing civilians and Iraqi soldiers, and digging mass graves, dripping gallons of salty bodily fluids while marching along dusty roads when no trucks or SUVs or Humvees are available to take them to the next village to overrun, rutting like rabbits on screaming female captives, posing in Calvin Klein male burqas (made in China, as are all their keffiyahs) to behead Shi'ite captives or Western journalists or Christians or some other infidels or unbelievers, burning down churches, posing in odiferous bunches under the hot, merciless sun for group photographs to send home to friends and family in Europe….
I mean, it's all hard work, don't you know, and Global Warming doesn't make it any easier. There’s even a verse in the Koran, dictated by the angel Gabriel (Mohammad nicknamed it – gender unknown – “Gabby”) into Mohammad’s ear in Allah’s own words, forbidding Muslims from causing Global Warming, and to kill polluters and greenhouse gas aficionados wherever they might be found and sending them to hellfire. To wit:
Quran (9:20) - "Those who believe, and have left their homes and striven with their wealth and their lives in Allah's way are of much greater worth in Allah's sight. These are they who are triumphant."
Quran (9:20.1a) - "Those who defile and offend my Creation with greenhouse gases and other foul aerial and solidified, un-recycled pestilences are the enemies of my Works, strike at their necks wherever you may find them or wherever they may hide, behind rocks, trees, bushes, sand dunes, hillocks, outhouses, mountains, dead camels, stop signs, and even the Kaaba.”
Furthermore, ISIS hasn't declared war on the West -- nor has Islam, to tell the truth – just because it refuses to acknowledge Allah as the one and only God and that Mohammad is his messenger. Islam and ISIS are laboring mightily under a ubiquitous and libelous misconception.
It is actually because it's Dar al-Kufr (the West) that causes Global Warming. ISIS just wants to put a stop to it, that's all. See? It's that simple and so transparent, just as President Barack Obama’s administration has been. Who needs The Kyoto Protocol when you have ISIS working overtime to control Global Warming?
Furthermore, I wouldn't dismiss the notion as nonsensical, as some pundits do, that the Koran was caused by Global Warming, especially the violent verses in it. Anyone who knows his global climate data can demonstrate that Mohammad flourished in the Mideast at a time of extraordinary global climate change. It was intolerably hot in that region then, too, and it drove Mohammad to extreme violence to spread his new religion, helped not a little by his sensitive frontal lobe and epileptic episodes. In old-time Mecca, many non-Muslim Arabs complained that he exceeded the limits of “moderate” violence in pursuing his ends, but to no avail.
For example, once, when the Kaaba caught fire in Mecca – at the time, it was just a bungalow-sized wooden shack. Mohammad had just converted it from a pagan temple – it contained an assortment of statues of nude gods and goddesses – into Allah’s gift to Islam. Many Meccan tribesmen rushed to the local wells to bring back water to put it out, all except the Ruwallah. Noticing them standing idly by, chewing on sunflower seeds and peach pits, he angrily confronted them and asked them why they refused to help extinguish the fire.
The senior Ruwaili snorted and replied with some indignation: “The Ruwallah do not carry water!”
Mohammad ordered the extinction of the tribe, and the enslavement of its women and girls, the pretty ones, at least. The men and boys got a free shave and a haircut, for two bits.
So, Mohammad is entirely blameless for the murderous jihad he waged for years and anyone who says otherwise is an Islamophobe and a racist and lower than pigs and apes. And dogs.
Of course, the West couldn't be blamed for Global Warming back then, because after Rome fell the West was expiring into the Dark Ages. Some smart person ought to research and write a book on how Global Warming caused Mohammad to author the Koran (although he was an illiterate nut case and psychopath, diazepam be upon him). Even his warped prefrontal lobe and epilepsy can be blamed on climate change.
A contemporary medical expert, upon observing Mohammad’s behavior near the Kaaba before he inaugurated his permanent jihad, had remarked to a companion: “His dopamine delivery system has really gone haywire. It’s unseasonably hot today, isn’t it? That might have something to do with his peculiar calisthenics, too. That banging his head on the ground can’t be doing his frontal lobe much good.”
Muhammad’s loyal friend, booking agent, pitchman, and public relations expert, Abu Bakr, overheard the remark, and suggested quietly to his employer that the fellow be beheaded. This was done, not so quietly. Muhammad had to make a public example of the hapless physician who had questioned the credibility of his messengerhood. [Koran, 2.217b(d)sub.j]
Let's stop slandering Mohammad and misrepresenting ISIS and Islam, and buttonhole the West, instead. It’s Global Warming that drives ISIS to commit its regrettable excesses, not any kind of ideological penchant for savagery and bloodlust.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Allah said so.