Tuesday, November 27, 2012

A Carnival of the Left

Once the world has been made right forever and ever, and all capitalists, "right-wingers," "conservatives," Objectivists, Constitution obsessers, Jews, the ideologically unfaithful, gun-lovers, Bible-huggers, libertarians, separationists, and First and Second Amendment cultists – in short, all the philosophically crippled (or "differently abled") have been vanquished and buried in ecologically-friendly mass graves in a potter's field, the inheritors of the earth will be able to celebrate their triumph at the Greatest Carnival There Ever Was or Ever Will Be.*

After the Transportation Security Agency (affiliated now with the Benevolent Brotherhood of Government Employees) has patted you down, groped you, x-rayed you, scanned your brain, and given you a clean bill of ideological health by the resident proctologist, and after your palm has been implanted (painlessly) with a microchip that will track your comings and goings on the Midway (as part of a customer satisfaction survey program), your clothes, purses, and carry-in tote bags will be returned to you after being screened for unauthorized items. You will then be admitted past the booby-trapped security booth to enjoy the many wonders of the New World Carnival.

(WARNING: All non-approved items found on the persons or in the clothing or otherwise in the possession of Carnival-goers, such as tobacco products, chewing gum, caffeine-related stimulants, brand-name medications, liquors of any kind, recording devices, vitamin supplements, nail clippers, plastic water bottles, hairspray, unapproved inflammatory literature, appetite suppressants, family photographs of questionable taste, mints, breath-savers, and etc., will be permanently confiscated by the TSA, and the names of their owners reported to Central Citizen Control [the CDC] for further monitoring and evaluation. See the recently revised Index of Prohibited Articles for a complete list of banned items.)

(ADVISORY: Cyclists' helmets are provided at no cost to all Carnival-goers (unless you bring your own), and MUST BE WORN on the fairgrounds AT ALL TIMES. This is for your protection and that of your fellow citizens. Removal of a helmet for ANY reason will result in your eviction from the Carnival and a stiff penalty, and your name sent to the CDC. Muslims are exempted from this rule.)

What will first seduce your senses are the aromas emanating from the many food concession stands that line the Midway. At each one you will be able to choose from and feast on the latest culinary innovations by a host of government licensed nutritionists and chefs: scrumptious granola bars, chocolate-flavored weight-fighting wafers and griddle cakes, meatless burgers of all kinds (pork and bacon have been prohibited to accommodate our Muslim brethren), halal chicken kabobs, salad soufflés, soy-based cotton candy, diet juice drinks galore (sorry, no super-sized portions available per the Bloomberg regulation), raw popcorn, salt- and butter-free corn on the cob, imitation beef jerky – and many hard-to-resist selections of the heartiest food ever contrived for a healthy and wise citizenry. And all sugar- and transfat-free, too!

Bang! Ping! Bang! Ping! What's that familiar sound, you ask? Why, that's the Enemies Eliminated Shooting Gallery where you can take a BB clip's worth of chances to pot the enemies you love to hate, or a whole row of them! Try your trigger finger at hitting all twenty ducks-in-a-row: Aristotle, John Locke, Lord Acton, Thomas Jefferson, Patrick Henry, James Madison, Calvin Coolidge, Ayn Rand, Margaret Thatcher, Ann Coulter, Melanie Phillips, Robert Heinlein, Robert Spencer, Pamela Geller, Winston Churchill, and so many more haters of mankind. It's hard to believe that mankind existed for so long when these creatures were at large!

Win a prize! Hit five out of ten, and win a talking Obama Doll with his own easy-to-assemble teleprompter kit and pre-recorded examples of his most famous lines! Hit all twenty and win a half-life-sized Nancy Pelosi Doll (fully dressed, thank God!) and Gavel. Feeling ambitious? Hit all twenty a second time, and win a companion Harry Reid Doll (fully dressed, thank God!) to go with your Nancy Pelosi Doll! Think of how impressive they'll look sitting together atop your fireless fireplace mantle! You'll be the envy of your commune! The Grand Prize comes with an "I didn't win this" blue ribbon or shirt button.

Looking for thrills and chills? Try the Tunnel of Horrors, guaranteed to give you a spine-melting, goose-bumpy, gender-optional shrieking experience! Cringe when Adam Smith's Invisible Hand reaches down to clutch your head! Shiver when Charlton Heston's Cold, Dead Hand takes aim at you with his rifle! Grit your teeth as you watch Winston Churchill shoot poor, helpless jihadists with his Mauser pistol! Curse when you see the cold, dead expression on James Bond's face when he shoots an unarmed man (digitally altered), saying, "You've had your six." Sigh with satisfaction when you see the Muslim-approved dubbing of "You're the one that I want" number from the banned movie, Grease, in which a digitally-altered Olivia Newton-John clad in a burqa invites John Travolta to beat her for exposing an ankle to a stranger (lyrics altered to be Sharia-compliant, sung alternately by a Sunni and Shiite muezzin, for balance's sake).

Have a yen to try your luck? Enter the Bingo Emporium and pick a number! Various kinds of Bingo games available, all with different rules! No limit on the number of cards one can buy. Unleaded pencils and environmentally-friendly markers provided free! Win a month's worth of food stamps, or a week's worth of unadulterated ethanol gasoline (you must provide a driver's license first, to prevent unauthorized "black market" resale to unregistered drivers – if you win!), a full set of environmentally-friendly, biodegradable Styrofoam dishware (not for use in dishwashers, if you still have one!), or a two-month supply of recycled commode flushing water (not potable, so don't dream of drinking it!). Many more prizes available.

The Super-Duper Grand Prize is a perpetual, nontransferable exemption from all Federal, Caliphate, and United Nations taxes in a signed irrevocable exchange for your right to vote, which vote may be used at any government authority's discretion. Winner must have bought fifteen Bingo cards and have won simultaneously on all fifteen to qualify. All prizes come with a free "I didn't win this" blue ribbon or shirt button.

Still hungry for more chills? Enter Dante's Infernal Freak Show and Wax Museum. Who was Dante Alighieri? The realistically garbed reenactor will explain it to you before guiding you through a somber gallery of freaks, sociopaths, and malcontents from the past (but don’t expect to find any mention of him in your history books!). Hold your significant other's hand tight for reassurance as you confront life-like recreations of Richard Cobden, Thomas Jefferson, Ayn Rand, Ronald Reagan, Marva Collins, Clarence Thomas, Friedrich Hayek, Rita Hayworth, Carole Lombard, Greta Garbo, Sean Connery, Clark Gable, Allen West, Frédéric Bastiat, Golda Meier, and so many more haters of mankind. Retch in disgust as "Dante" relates the sordid details of their lives, following a script approved by the heirs of Oliver Stone, Herbert Marcuse, and Howard Zinn.

Rides there are aplenty at the Carnival! Take circular reasoning to new heights in the breath-taking Ferris Wheel! Ride your favorite enemies on a solar-powered carousel! Exorcize your inner demons in pedal-power bumper cars! Master the dizzying mental gymnastics of rationalism on the Whirling Teacups and Tilt-a-Wheels! Be pressed to the wall and experience dialectical materialism on the Gravity Grinder! Scream your head off on Mohammad's Ride roller coaster, each car fashioned like a white steed!

Feel like exercising your arm? Try our "Dunkin' Dhimmis" and throw a Whiffle Ball to see an impersonator of your favorite enemy fall into boiling hot water. For our Muslim Carnival-goers, there is a special booth featuring a burqa-clad dummy and real rocks. Duel with a plastic broad sword or scimitar against your Crusader or Muslim enemy! An extraordinary range of prizes available to winners. All prizes come with a free "I didn't win this" blue ribbon or shirt button.

Growing in popularity at the Carnival is our special globally televised Wheel of Correctness Game Show, in which attendees can flaunt their education by guessing the right answers to loaded questions! How many Jews were left in Palestine after statehood and the Grand Liberation? (Hint: Fewer than ten.) What are the annual alternate world capitals? (Hint: one is in Europe, and begins with a "B," and one is in the Mideast, and begins with a "Q.") Which American was most responsible for nullifying his outdated, sexist, and anachronistic Constitution? (Hint: there were several.) Where was the Statue of Liberty located? Where is it now? (We can't offer hints without giving away the answer!) What is the source of all our wealth and labor-saving technology? (Hint: Pick a paragraph, any paragraph, from Das Kapital or The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money!)

Buy an audience ticket to the show, and enter a drawing to become a contestant. All prizes won in the contest are of a higher marketable value than are other Carnival prizes, and will be tax-assessed at 95% of their posted retail value. All prizes come with a free "I didn't win this" blue ribbon or shirt button. Good luck!

So, enjoy the Carnival before you return to your six-day work week and diet of rice, gruel, and old shoes. See you next year!

*Carnival (n.) : from the 1540s, a "time of merrymaking before Lent," from Fr. Carnaval; from It. carnevale "Shrove Tuesday," from older It. forms like Milanese *carnelevale, O. Pisan carnelevare "to remove meat," lit. "raising flesh," from L. caro "flesh" (see carnage) + levare "lighten, raise;" folk etymology is from the M.L. carne vale " 'flesh, farewell.' " Meaning "a circus or fair" is attested by 1931 in North America.


R Squared said...

I was laughing as I read this, until I realized that 20 years from now, this will be factually correct; and the masses, highly-educated in Political Correctness, will look back and say "Wow, can you believe how vulgar people were back then?" Keep on writing, my friend. Also, I know that I don't have to remind you to prepare for "The Melt Down", but since I hope you're still penning in the aftermath, prepare for "The Melt Down." ;)

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